Adulting Part Four: The Man You Want
Watch how a guy treats his mom - how a guy treats his mom is exactly how he’s going to treat you.
When I see a perfectly healthy Millennial gal driving a perfectly healthy, feminized Millennial boy around, it makes me insane. Both of them, focused more on the gadgets in their hands than each other, stupidly giving away personal powers they could otherwise be enjoying.
There is a scene in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, 2002, and it goes something like this, the main character Toula is worried about a big aspect of the wedding they are hilariously planning says:
“Dad is so stubborn”.
“What he says goes”.
“The man is the head of the house.”
Her mother replies:
“Let me tell you something Toula: the man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants.”
Not many moms tell their daughters this and it’s a shame.
Gals, why are you driving your man around? It reinforces the idea that they are to be pretty and feminine sitting in the passenger seat - at least that’s how it appears to any Boomer looking your way.
You would have more power as a “neck” than as a chauffeur.
I have known many different types of men. I married and divorced one of the meanest types of men. The one that publicly admires and relentlessly pursues a strong talented woman, then once he has charmed her and marries her, he buries her with insults, humiliation and mental abuse in private.
I could give you all the warning flags for that type, but the one that matters the most: Watch how a guy treats his mom - how a guy treats his mom is exactly how he’s going to treat you.
Then there’s the one who will constantly tell you he’s going to do something and then doesn’t. Each time you ask about it, the excuses get sillier until you realize he’s not ever going to do what he said he was going to do. That’s when you should realize he’s another type that doesn’t respect you.
There are other types as well. But these are the two worst types in my book.
The first type makes you feel bad about yourself daily; you constantly question yourself, your decisions. You devote a lot of time to making yourself how you think he wants you to be, and then he changes what he wants. He’s a black hole that you pour your life into hoping he’ll be happy and treat you better. You constantly feel unhappy, unworthy, sometimes crazy because everything you try fails.
Eventually you realize that it is not your job to make him happy, you’re not crazy and that you deserve something better.
The second type takes almost as long as the first type and is hard to recognize, especially if it’s the same person. Reacting to the second type takes some finesse if you don’t want the other monsters to come out. And when you realize that they are never going to do what they say they are going to do; you also realize that they don’t value you at all; that’s why they’ll never do what they say they are going to do.
These types take too much of your energy.
They are not worth it your time or energy.
But then you find the knight who treats you like a queen. He thinks about you before he ever thinks about himself. He makes you feel special. He makes you laugh. Time spent with him is effortless. He’ll have some flaws, but they are easily overlooked because all of the other charms outweigh the flaw(s). You can’t imagine your life without him.
After years of research, the man you want - in no particular order.
He challenges you to think beyond your comfort zone.
He lets you challenge him to think beyond his comfort zone.
He can and would protect you if needed.
He can teach you how to protect yourself when he’s not around.
He does what he says he’s going to do.
He is patient.
Looks great in a flannel shirt, especially if it has wood chips on it because he’s just used a chainsaw.
Admires and respects his mom.
Admires and respects you.
Thinks of you before himself.
Wouldn’t ever have more clothes than you.
Wouldn’t ever take longer than you to get ready to go somewhere.
He will NEVER intentionally make you feel bad about yourself.
He will stick by you if you make a bad decision with a bad outcome.
He will have a conversation with you, no matter what the topic is.
You know without ever asking that he’ll take care of you if you ever get seriously ill, and you know you’d do the same for him. Ditto with getting old and falling apart.
He will propose to you – and will not expect it to ever be the other way around.
Remember Darwin? (“Origin of the Species”, 1859)
Men are hunters and protectors; women are the gatherers and nurturers.
There isn’t a “Women’s March” on earth that is going to spare you from horrible male behavior, there isn’t a law they can write that will protect you. You do not need to be dependent on anyone but you to avoid bad male behavior and encourage good behavior.
What younger women don’t seem to get is that in their natural habitat, men solve problems. And if you let them, they’re actually pretty good at it. You may not agree with the solution but that’s the attempt, to fix whatever he hears you say is broken.
It takes a really long time to ever arrive at that conclusion on your own.
As the neck, it is better to negotiate with the understanding that his mission is to fix the problem and be wise enough to navigate on to what you want, leaving him to think he solved the problem.
Try this for a month. Every time you go out to eat, let him drive; also, have him open the door for you getting in and out of the vehicle. When you get to the restaurant let him open the door for you, take your coat and hang it, then pull out your chair at the table and sit before he does. Read the menu, tell him what you want and let him order for you. Have him pay the check, retrieve your coat and pull the chair out for you. Allow him to help you with your coat. Allow him to open the restaurant door and car door for you. No phones. Leave them at home. Have conversation. Discuss how this change in behavior affects each of you. Might be an interesting conversation.
Those are all small courtesies you can do for each other and they eventually pay off in reducing your stress level and in your sense of worth, for both of you. It has nothing to do with the weakness of women and power of men; it has to do with civility. These small acts show how much you value each other and it is nobody’s business how the two of you choose to interact with each other.
And if you already have a guy that does this, hang on to him. They are few and far between.
Take a moment: The Woman With You