The Baby Ruth® in the Pool
A lot of what parents do is in the background. It is a thankless, exhausting time in life. You have to wait for the rewards.
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When babies go in the big pool at adult swim (no kids in the pool, babies OK), they sometimes crap. (They’ve probably done away with adult swim by now).
In the 90’s, moms took their babies into the big pool with them, bouncing and splashing with them and their toothless glee, in the water. Always in cute “swimmies”. Sometimes under the swimmie was an absorbent diaper, sometimes it was commando time (nothing under there).
I always worried that leaving an absorbent diaper on a baby could cause them to sink to the bottom of the pool should baby ever get away. Have you ever seen how much moisture one of those 90’s diapers held? It was impressive.
Because of this, my kiddo went commando.
There really weren’t rules surrounding what you could do with a baby regarding swimming at the pool then. Unspoken ones, like make sure your kid had gone to the bathroom before embarking on a swim with mom and the adults at adult swim.
But one day, driving away from the local pool with my now diapered baby, I ran into my best friend who was taking her kids to the pool. She said the pool was closed because some kid crapped in the pool.
I told her that kid was my kid.
That kid, my Millennial, would die if he knew I told this story here, but I was making all the decisions then, he’s grown and I’m trying to make a point about posting personal stuff online.
That day, we fished the baby poop out and called it good; but because of state regulations the pool had to be drained, cleaned and refilled.
It used to be great fun to toss Baby Ruth® candy bars into swimming pools for teenagers in that era because of those state regulations.
It was one sure way to stop a competitive swim meet.
But needless to say it was all quite embarrassing for me as a new mom.
Nowadays, I imagine there are all kinds of guidelines and rules to prevent this from ever happening, but that was then. No rules.
I’ve read about the phenomenon of “performative parenting”. It is a version of parenting that positions itself in front of an audience seeking a reward and identity beyond actual parenting.
And while this issue seems to be a big problem for Millennial moms, apparently, it’s also a big problem for Millennial dads.
I think the thing this age group doesn’t grasp is that a lot of what parents do is in the background, not online.
It is a thankless, exhausting time in life. You have to wait for the rewards. The rewards are bigger than the instant gratification you get from posting your young child in a swimmie on Facebook.
They’ve been told they have “helicopter” parents. Maybe they really did, or maybe that’s what they were told to think, or maybe they didn’t have helicopter parents at all. But as parents now, they all desperately want to avoid that label.
Instead, we have “performative parenting”.
I think “performative parenting” is worse than the “helicopter” parenting we’re accused of.
As Boomer parents, we all have the naked baby photos in physical photo albums somewhere but we didn’t post them online. This is the big difference I’m talking about here with parent styles.
Think Facebook.
Think Instagram.
Think Pinterest.
Think Tiktok.
Think Free Blogging Software.
Think Twitter.
These are all arenas where the children of Millennials are displayed, judged and approved or disapproved of - winning the parent online praise or criticism. This is performative parenting.
It’s the online praise they are after.
Where do you think I got that photo of a kid in a swimmie?
I didn’t hilariously post online about my child’s Baby Ruth® in the pool that day, why do these folks have to post about everything junior does? Online?
I think it is a horrible thing to do to these children, our grandchildren.
I don’t care how “secure” or how many “privacy” switches you have at your fingertips; once it is out there, it is out there.
Majority of Twitter users surveyed have public accounts, even if they say it is set to private or are not sure of their settings in fact, 83% actually have a public profile.
One of my careers was in the early days of software and the fledgling internet. I know, from the systems side, how exponential this exposure can become:
Gen Z ‘shocked’ to learn their ‘digital footprint’ could ruin job prospects
Did you know the U.S. government spies on its citizens?
Do you think I am being too dramatic, or a conspiracy nut?
Search on “Snowden, PRISM”.
PRISM is a program under which the National Security Agency (NSA) accesses emails, documents, photographs and other sensitive user data stored at major companies.
it has come to light that the nine large tech companies first reported to be working with the NSA to divulge information have, in fact, made it easier for the government to access data from their servers.
Now each of these companies I mentioned above distribute data they harvest to “trusted third party sources”, which when you join just about anything online, you agree to. So put that together with the idea of your baby’s picture on Facebook and what do you have?
Answer - the invasion of your privacy, and your sometime in the future young adult’s privacy - which you agreed to.
What happens when baby turns eighteen and they are quite disturbed you shared so much about them as children online? Especially when they learn that their adult identity has been stolen?
I’ve had my identity stolen and it is series of ridiculous questions about proving you are who you say you are, and it’s an exhausting and extensive use of your time to recover.
How would you feel if your Boomer parents exposed you like that?
How about instead of performative parenting, one focuses on just being a dad?
While I can’t write about how to be a dad, I can tell you that dad is always going to come at whatever issue there is in a very different way than mom is.
I remember a friend telling me about a time when he was left alone with his three girls and they asked him to help change the outfits on their Barbie® Dolls. When telling them “girls dress Barbie® Dolls” didn’t work, and not really sure what the protocol was with Barbie® Dolls, he used a needle nose pliers to assist.
Some of the best song lyrics about parenting I’ve ever heard:
Come on in, boy, sit on down
And tell me about yourself
So, you like my daughter, do you now?
Yeah, we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl
Her mama's world
She deserves respect
That's what she'll get
Ain't it, son?
Hey, y'all, run along and have some fun
I'll see you when you get back
Bet I'll be up all night
Still cleanin' this gun
The song is called Cleaning This Gun and is from Country artist, Rodney Atkins who sings some pretty good lyrics along the lines of parenting.
While some of you may be appalled at the idea of this, I happily wish a dad like that for any girl. I have known some dads who have actually done this with excellent results.
And while I have many stories just like these, how a dad, “dads”, is going to be very different than mom and that’s an important idea to remember.
While I can’t tell you how to be a good dad, I can give you a checklist of what I believe makes a good dad.
He has empathy.
He is kind.
He has a willingness to give mom a break.
He has a willingness to spend time with the kids.
He is creative.
He is a problem solver.
He has a sense of humor.
He has to be able to multi-task.
He can teach children how to appreciate things.
He leads by example.
He teaches good lessons.
He challenges his kids.
He provides for and protects his family.
BOOKS
Permanent Record by Edward Snowden.
The Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden.
The Double Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn Iggulden.
The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap by Alvin Rosenfeld (Author), Nicole Wise (Author), Robert Coles(Foreword).
Wired Child: Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age by Richard Freed.
We all fail and so do our kids, especially the ones that go to the universities.
We do our best and our kids learn a lot from us, but the real world can eat them alive.
That is where family bible reading and prayer make a big difference, especially when you can relate it to the real world, concern for others and how to protect yourself from false friends. We don't use social media as they are false friends, real friends visit.
When we obey God and they see it works for us then they tend to follow.
We need to remember that parents are not put to death for the sins of their children and vice versa.
Hezekiah had a bad father (Ahaz) and his son Manasseh was even worse. He was good until he became strong and then he became proud. Pride comes before a fall.
Our parenting gifts are from God and we have nothing to boast about.
I'm torn on this one. I could be one of those 'performative' parents because I try to post a photo, most days, that capture something mundanely fun / quirky about the family. My bias is I'm not posting their tantrums or their foibles all the time, but then again, most people never did that even in albums. Where I think it becomes essential for my kids to learn about PRISM and others is when THEY start posting. They don't have the same expereince or cognitive level at that age and that's where the risk comes in.