Adulting Part Eight: Mama Is Handing Out Whoop Ass & Marshmallows...
And she just ran out of marshmallows.
In a marriage, if you have a good relationship, things should be effortless. But there are times when things blow up.
It happens.
How you deal with it is what matters.
There is a scene in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, 2002, and it goes something like this, the main character Toula is worried about a big aspect of the wedding they are hilariously planning says:
“Dad is so stubborn”.
“What he says goes”.
“The man is the head of the house.”
Her mother replies:
“Let me tell you something Toula, the man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants.”
Not many moms tell their daughters this and it’s a shame.
Question: Do traditional gender roles provide important structure for children, or do they do more harm than good?
Answer: Traditional gender roles provide important structure for children, in my opinion.
It seems Millennials are trending towards more traditional roles, and also in my opinion, this is good.
While young people endorse at rates of 90 percent or higher the idea that men and women should be equal at work, Pepin and Cotter see a trend in greater traditionalism at home.
There are two genders.
There I said it.
Tab A, Slot B.
Men and women are very different.
They approach problems and solutions differently.
There really aren’t any shades of gray there.
Millennial girls and boys have been told they can be something they may not be able to be, it is a very rare girl who can cut down an Oak tree and split it up for fire wood. It is a very rare (and potentially weird) guy who is going to actually enjoys playing with Barbie™.
Men fix, women nurture, and both are necessary ingredients for healthy happy children.
You’re going to find, especially if you get married and have kids, mom roles and dad roles are going to fall into these categories naturally whether you want them to or not.
Sometimes this is the cause for disagreement.
Modern feminism, and I mean what came after the year 2000, has turned a generation or two of male children into feminized boys that don’t seem to grow up and I imagine that leads to a lot of confusion about how to “dad”.
There are times when parenting styles are going to collide.
Kids are smarter than you think and you’re going to get played.
They know whom to go to get the outcomes they want.
And they will figure that out long before you do.
My best advice: don’t fight in front of your children.
It scares them, especially if it is going to be a loud fight.
At the same time don’t bottle up (to keep (a feeling or emotion) inside instead of expressing it) a reaction, just move it to another space or time.
The Crazy Jar
There’s always a crazy jar.
When I talk about the “crazy jar”, it refers to the idea that every person has a side to them they don’t want you to see.
Generally, it’s pretty ugly what’s in the crazy jar. It can take just a few weeks, months, and even years before the crazy jar gets opened, but there will be one in your relationship.
How you deal with it is what matters.
Just getting the heads up that there will be a crazy jar is all the wisdom I am going to dispense here.
We all deal with it differently.
But here’s another thought, do you know what’s in your own crazy jar?
I have a wooden sign hanging in my kitchen and it applies to anyone who visits my house or lives in my house.
HOUSE RULES
If you sleep on it – make it up.
If you wear it – hang it up.
If you drop it – pick it up.
If you eat out of it – wash it.
If you step on it – wipe it up.
If it rings – answer it.
If it howls – feed it.
My point is that rules can help with disagreements and fights.
Set up agreed upon rules.
Just having the discussion as to what rules you are going to write down will spark some interesting conversations.
Discuss your parenting rules and keep a united front, even if you disagree in the heat of the moment. If you think it will be effective for you as parents, write down your parenting rules and stick with them.
Review and refine them after any huge blow up.
Do the same thing same thing for the children.
I had a work/chore list taped to the refrigerator for kiddo that I expected to be done each week, things like: load your dirty dishes into the dishwasher, empty the dishwasher, take out the garbage, help bring in the groceries, get your laundry to the laundry room or in the case when he was older, get your own laundry done.
Kids, especially ‘tweens (a child between middle childhood and adolescence, usually between 8 and 12 years old ) and teens are going to test your patience and rules.
Remember you are the one who has more life experience.
I once wrote a strongly worded letter to my Millennial, about an incident that occurred involving him while he was away at college.
It included these sentences: “I am 32 years older than you. I am always going to have more experience than you. I have gained much wisdom along the way. I am more than likely going to have knowledge in areas you can’t even dream about.”
How do you think that went?
It was the first time my then college-age Millennial told me I was right.
“Because I said so” is a perfectly fine response if you don’t want to give a reason, or you don’t want to discuss, or you feel you have to check with the other parent.
Use it sparingly though, because they’ll be shocked the first time you say it, you had the element of surprise with it and you want to keep that element of surprise in the future.
Another thing to remember, especially when there are children involved, while dad may be the head of the family, mom is the “neck” and she is going to set the tone whether it’s whoop ass or marshmallows.
They’re watching you.
How you handle disagreements in your home is how your kids most likely will too.
Nobody to Blame Chris Stapleton, 2015.
BOOKS
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author).
There's a phrase I love:
"Traditions are solutions to problems that you don't know exist"
It goes hand in hand that roles might not be intended to be restrictive, but and efficient delegation of duties driven by the proclivities of the two sexes.
A funny annecdote was a family friend who grew up chaffing at what she felt was demeaning 'women's work' around the house and kitchen while the boys were out on the farm. One day, dad got sick of the complaining and so, starting the next morning she joined the boys. By noon, she was regretting it. 5 days later she realized that was she thought was horrible, was actually, for her, much nicer than the alternative.
Which goes into the concept of Chesterton's Fence. Simply put, when you come across a fence in your path, it behooves you to undertand why it exists before you tear it down. Becasue without understanding the reason, you can unleash all hell.
Sage advice!